


Now That You Are Gone

by TobyHansbmd



Category: Black Sails
Genre: F/M, Flint's Dual Personality, James and Thomas Reunited, Kind of a songfic, M/M, Missing Scene, Mutual Pining, My Interpretation of the Last Few Minutes, Reaction Story, Season Finale, Spoilers to 4x10, silverflint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 09:11:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10533363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TobyHansbmd/pseuds/TobyHansbmd
Summary: "James McGraw wakes up every morning, smiles when he sees whose head is on the pillow next to his, and kisses those lids which open to reveal eyes as blue as a cloudless spring day and filled with hope. Every night, long after Thomas falls asleep, James Flint stays awake and thinks of someone with eyes ever-changing as the sea, a sunny day one moment and a storm the next."He finds Thomas, he frees him, and even as they ride off into the sunset together, a part of James McGraw still latches onto Captain Flint. James learns how to live both of his identities and he continues to love the two men who shaped each persona. Meanwhile, Silver prepares to begin a life with Madi, even as he knows part of him will always yearn for Flint.





	

**Author's Note:**

> After watching the series finale, I couldn't not write this. I only learned about this show last July and binged the first two seasons and part of Season 3 with my best friend in one weekend. If it hadn't been for her, I would never have heard of Black Sails, and I have had a lot of fun watching the show and surfing Tumblr ever since. Even though I have been reading Black Sails fanfiction for nine months now, this is my first try writing it, and I'm more than a little self-conscious of it. It usually takes me forever to get a fanfic done and I only do it when I'm sure I can get into the character's heads. I'm still working on that with these guys, and I'm going to need to rewatch the first three series a lot in order to write a couple of the other ideas I have, but after watching the finale, like I said, I couldn't not write this. And Silver's speech to Madi gave me the inspiration for it. It became very easy to get in Flint's head as a result of what he said.
> 
> The title of this fic comes from a song called "Wished That I Could Call You" written by Dan and Laura Curtis and recorded by Broadway legend, Lea Salonga. The last line in this story comes from that song as well, which is just how I write these days. I've written nothing but songfics for the last two years, and I enjoy them, so if you can think of others, please let me know and I'd be happy to flesh out details. Some of the ones I've written I have posted here, the majority are back over on FF.net, and I'm working on which others I can post here.
> 
> Happy reading!

At first he doesn’t want to believe it.

He does, but at the same time, he doesn’t.

To know that he’s lived in this darkness for so long, that he’s fought and suffered and endured so much, all for someone he believed to be dead. Then to discover that all that time the one he loved most was sitting in a plantation in the Americas waiting for him…well, the first thought that crossed his mind was beating Silver’s shitty little brains out.

So many times he spoke to Thomas in his dreams. So many times he relived those moments of tender happiness only to wake up and realize where he was. So many times he and Miranda comforted each other, only feeding each other more lies because what else could they say? So many years surviving in the shadow of an alternate personality and forcing himself to belong to it. A nightmare from which he could not escape, nor did he particularly want to.

James McGraw did not belong in Nassau, just as he did not belong anywhere else. James Flint embraced the island with all his being and forced his previous life into a box. He closed the lid, turned the key, buried the chest deep in the ground, and threw that key into the ocean. He would win this war, both against England and against himself, and James McGraw would never see the sun again.

Then that little shit had to come along.

Even now, after all of the battles, the wits, the strategies, the scuffles, the amputation, even the friendship which he did not believe would ever form, Silver once again reminds him why deep down he’s still that little shit who wormed his way into the hearts of the crew.

Flint curses ever allowing Silver access to his mind. McGraw rejoices at Flint’s moment of weakness.

As they leave for Savannah, Flint fights tooth and nail to keep ahold of himself. He shouts every kind of profanity under the sun at Silver, accuses him of betraying their cause, of giving up their war for something that he might not even be able to keep. But ever since Madi was captured, Silver has proven that he was not as invested in this war as any of them believed. His actions should not have surprised Flint, and part of him must grudgingly admit that he understands, but that does not mean he has to like it. He fights so long and so hard that eventually Silver tells Hands to chain him in the captain’s cabin. This only makes Flint fight harder and for a few days, neither of them can speak without vitriol spewing between them.

Flint tries, God he tries, to maintain the persona he’s constructed over the years. He assigns blame wherever he can think of. He blames Peter Ashe for being the catalyst which initiated the whole process. He blames Miranda for not telling him that Thomas wasn’t with her on the other side waiting for him. He blames Silver for using him to end a war that was within their grasp. But most of all he blames himself for letting his guard down after he’d specifically told his quartermaster that he was not welcome in his head. But now that key has miraculously floated to shore and as he gazes out the window and watches the days pass, he willingly searches out the place in his mind where he buried his previous life. He turns the lock and opens the lid of the chest to look in on James McGraw.

He slowly begins to come back to himself. He feels himself stretching, allowing the feeling back into his stiff muscles. He still has moments, moments where Flint tries to argue once again for the freedom which only darkness will bring them, while McGraw only sits back and waits for him to make his decision. The voices within his head keep arguing back and forth even as the world goes on around him. With each day, another piece of the pirate captain ceases to fight. Eventually, James Flint retreats into that box, and James McGraw opens his eyes completely for the first time in ten years.

He blinks several times, as though he’s only just now seeing the sun even after having acclimated himself long since to the constant Caribbean light. Arriving on New Providence Island should have been a fresh start for him and Miranda, the bright prospects a stark contrast to London’s cold, dreary nights. He hadn’t allowed it to be. He thinks and rethinks the events of the last few year. Even as he introduced himself as James McGraw to Abigail Ashe, he had had to repress a shudder at applying his real name to an identity which did not belong to it. Now, he whispers his own name and feels that he might belong to it again.

Silver watches him closely for the first few nights, then to James’s surprise, begins to drift. He spends as little time in the cabin as possible, and James can only assume it’s because he doesn’t want to hear the same arguments repeated again and again. But after several days of reawakening and reorienting himself, he begins to see less of Silver than ever. He can’t presume to know what Silver is thinking; even at the height of their partnership, Silver’s face was a blank slate and his mind was an impenetrable fortress. He accepted long ago that he would never be allowed into Silver’s head even as he allowed Silver into his. All right up until that moment on Skeleton Island, when the man’s eyes had revealed all his thoughts and he finally allowed Flint a glimpse of his mind. And he finally understood why Silver had never let him in before. It was that glimpse which began Captain’s Flint unraveling.

Right now, he hopes Silver will allow James McGraw that same glimpse.

They make port in Savannah that night and soon afterward, Silver limps into the cabin. James raises an eyebrow and waits for him to speak. Silver stares at him for a moment, apprehension all across his face. He then composes himself back into his mask, fixes his gaze on Flint’s shoulder and says, “You will be escorted to the camp tomorrow morning. They’ll hand over a purse to the overseers and it should be enough to allow you and Thomas safe passage. Where you go after that will be entirely of your own choosing.”

James nods. Silver opens his mouth, closes it, then turns to leave the cabin. “Is that all then?” James asks before he can think to keep his mouth shut.

Silver doesn’t turn back around. “What more is there to say?” he asks.

James can think of several more things actually, but something he cannot explain makes him hold his tongue. They stand there in silence for what feels like hours, even though no more than a minute passes. Silver hobbles back out of the cabin but not before James sees the tremble running down the other man’s spine.

Israel Hands comes into the cabin for him the next morning and helps him to his feet. James wordlessly holds outs his hands and looks down at the manacle still locked around them, but Hands only shakes his head and says, “not yet.” He doesn’t blame the other man for not trusting him, he would do the same thing. The deck is almost completely deserted when he steps outside, the only other person in sight is Ben Gunn. James assumes this is Silver’s doing, allowing Captain Flint one last dignity of not being seen by his former crew in shackles. The little bit left of Flint silently thanks his friend from within his little mental box. Nevertheless, James’s head spins back and forth over the deck, searching out that mess of dark, unruly curls. It’s nowhere to be seen.

“It’s just the three of us, I’m afraid,” says Gunn, an apologetic look on his face. “He…that is to say…”

James only shakes his head and allows the two men to help him into the boat. All the way to the plantation, his anticipation and his dread grow. What will Thomas think when he sees him? Will he recognize him? Will he even be there at all? He must be. He cannot and will not believe that Silver lied to him about this. They arrive, the money changes hands, all goes as Silver said. One of the guards walks him out into the fields and unlocks his shackles. But he doesn’t pay attention. His eyes are riveted onto a particular form straightening up.

The next few minutes pass in a blur. Neither of them say a word, they stare at each other convinced that this is all an illusion. But this is no dream, not this time, and Thomas’s laugh finally allows James back into the light which has eluded him. They simultaneously lean forward and embrace each other, relief and love pouring from every surface of their being. Thomas cups his face and kisses him, just as he did all those years ago that first time in his dining room. And for that one moment, James is home.

When he turns back around, he sees Ben smiling and nodding at them, while Hands pretends to look indifferent. His heart sinks a little when he remembers who is not there to share in his happiness, but one look back at Thomas’s sky blue eyes renews his euphoria. They twine their fingers and walk out of the plantation together, Hands and Ben following them.

Ben gives them another pouch full of coins. “It should be enough for the two of you to get a start somewhere.”

Thomas nods his thanks and embraces the Scotsman. James pauses a moment, then asks, “will you give him a message for me?”

Ben nods, “of course.”

“Tell him,” James pauses, then continues, “thank you for opening that door.”

Ben gives him a little half smile and nods his head. Thomas looks between them questioningly but James only shakes his head and asks, “shall we?” As they depart, James looks back one more time in the hope that he’ll see that mane of dark curls and eyes the color of the sea. All he sees though is Ben Gunn waving goodbye.

They find a little cottage just outside a village in Florida, near enough to town that they can get supplies easily but far enough away that people will leave them alone. At first, James revels in the freedom he has found, freedom he did not believe was possible and certainly did not believe he deserved. But he soon realizes that that freedom sets with the sun. During the day, he says a prayer of thanks for the gift he has been given and allows himself to be whom he truly is once again. When night falls, however, he slips back into that one piece of him that will always remain Captain Flint, and he thinks of that one freedom that the darkness could and would have granted him and which he could not succeed in persuading someone else to take. He thinks back of those first years after leaving London, specifically about how often he wished he spoke to Thomas and wished he could hear him speak back. Now, he longs to hear Silver’s voice one last time even if only to say a proper goodbye. He spent so many years attempting to reconcile his two identities, eventually realizing that the only way would be to force one into a cage and fully live the other. Now, he lives them both every day, and allows himself to love the men that each persona loves. Thomas realizes this. He knows something pulls at James’s thoughts, something or someone from his previous life as a pirate captain, but he does not push for an explanation. He knows about Long John Silver that is certain, but he also seems to understand that there are things now which James cannot discuss with him. He cannot sully Thomas with the blood on his hands, he cannot risk anything that might extinguish the love burning within those eyes. And so they live together in the peace and domesticity that they both craved for so long.

But it’s not enough.

James McGraw wakes up every morning, smiles when he sees whose head is on the pillow next to his, and kisses those eyelids which open to reveal eyes as blue as a cloudless spring day and filled with hope. Every night, long after Thomas falls asleep, James Flint stays awake and thinks of someone with eyes ever-changing as the sea, a sunny day one moment and a storm the next. When he falls asleep, he does not see the battered pirate king, but a man with shoulder-length dark curls, two legs, and a shit-eating grin on his face. Even when he thinks of John post-amputation and acting as quartermaster, he never loses that grin and Flint loves him for it. James smiles and hopes that his friend has found some happiness. Nonetheless, he cannot help whispering to the wind, “you’ll always be my little shit.”

\---

_“Thank you for opening that door.”_

When Ben Gunn relays those words to him, at first he thinks he heard wrong. Trying to keep the tremble out of his voice, he asks the Scotsman to repeat the message, but there is no mistake. He nods his thanks, then quickly makes his way to the captain’s cabin. As soon as he is safely locked in, he grabs the nearest object, which happens to be a tankard he’d been drinking from earlier, and throws it against the opposite wall.

_“Thank you for opening that door.”_

He remembers the emotions coursing through him the last time he heard those words, on a morning following hours of uncertainty, hours where he wondered not just whether he and his men would ever leave that cage, but whether or not he’d see his captain again. Relief as he had never known in his life had poured through him on seeing Flint alive and the gratitude in the captain’s eyes was one of the first true emotions besides rage and scorn that Flint had ever shown him. It was in that moment when Silver realized he had truly gained the captain’s friendship and trust. He’d told Madi the truth when he said that as long as he had Flint’s friendship that Flint would have his. Too little too late he realized that in order for the war to stop and for James to have a happy ending, he would have to sacrifice something far more valuable than friendship.

He limps over to the window seat in which Flint had spent the entire journey to Savannah, collapses upon it and curls in on himself. After all these weeks of maintaining the image of the pirate king that Billy created for him, it feels both liberating and agonizing to allow himself to break down. He buries his face in Flint’s pillow and breathes deeply. He can still smell it, the scent of leather, of earth, of something that is just Flint. He clutches the pillow close and does not leave the cabin unless absolutely necessary for the entire voyage back to the Maroon Island.

Madi still will not speak to him. He explains to her his reasons and she tells him to get the fuck out. He deserves that, he knows, but he can only hope that she will find it in her heart to forgive him. He reflects on what he said to her and on the changes which he had seen in Flint on the way to Georgia. That change still rocks him to his core.

He’d tried to placate Flint by doing what he does best and convincing him to come around to his perspective. At first it didn’t work, and Flint had argued so vehemently that Silver had ordered him chained. He hated doing it, but at the same time, the arguments were territory he knew he could navigate. He had months of experience learning the depths of Flint’s mind after all.

_“If you go down this road, what if there’s no turning back?”_

_“It bothers you, doesn’t it? What they think? God, it must be awful being you.”_

_“By then, we might be friends.”_

Friends. He shakes his head and scoffs at himself. He knew from that moment where Flint pressed him into the rocks and held a knife to his throat that there would never be a chance of them really becoming friends. They’d either be trying to kill each other constantly or they’d become something else entirely. Which was why seeing the change in the other man had tilted his entire world upon its axis. His introduction to Captain Flint had involved watching the man beat a member of his crew to death. Now he watched as the feared pirate slowly shrank back into a shell and a completely different man took his place. He’d imagined what James had been like before all this, of course he had. But concocting a story in one’s own head was not the same thing as hearing it told in its entirety, and that was not the same thing as seeing it played out before one’s own eyes. As James McGraw resurfaced, Silver could not bear to look at him.

_“I find myself unnerved by the thought that when this pattern applies itself to you and I…that I will be the end of you.”_

He both had and hadn’t meant it at the time. He’d truly thought that Flint would be the end of him, but he also knew that he would have to step up and end the war if it came to it. He hadn’t wanted to be Flint’s end like this though. In a way, unmaking him was worse than killing him. It was the kindest thing he could do for his former friend, but the cruelest card he could deal to himself. He couldn’t face James McGraw because he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no place for John Silver in that life. Silver was irrelevant before he met Captain Flint, he learned to belong to something through James Flint. He belonged to James Flint.

He couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye to James properly. If he had, he would have turned the ship around and sailed back to the Maroon Island before ever letting Flint out of his sight. Now that the war was over, they could dig up the cache and live all three of them, himself, Flint and Madi in comfort. Instead, he told Flint that he would be escorted to the plantation and turned to leave. So many thoughts swirled through his head, but he swallowed them all and forced himself out before he made a fool of himself. He watched as Ben and Hands packed James off into the carriage and waited until it rode out of sight.

Now as he sits on the hilltop where they spent so many afternoons sparring with each other, he hangs on to that one hope. Hope that Flint still thinks of him. That his refusal to say goodbye means that Flint will someday come for him and force him to say it. But Flint’s last message to him also effectively shuts that door. He stares out at the sea, that expanse which brought him so much pain, which stole his leg and his independence, which gave him the sense of belonging for the first time in his life and gave him the woman he loved beyond imagining. But it also gave him the only true friend he’d ever had. He had engrossed himself so much in Flint’s mind that he was not entirely sure that John Silver could exist without Captain Flint.

_“In that darkness, there is freedom.”_

Not anymore.

Soft footsteps climb the hill behind him. Madi. He slowly gets to his feet and turns to face her. She has not forgiven him yet, it’s too early for that. But the look on her face suggests that she may do so in time. A long time, certainly, but the possibility is still there. Her eyes convey the resentment she still feels, conflicting against her love for him. They gaze into each other’s eyes and come to a silent agreement. They will enter into their union and they will attempt to build a life together. One that is built on stories and lies, yes, but still a life together.

_“Someday, even if you can persuade her to keep you, she’ll no longer be enough. And the comfort will grow stale. And casting about in the dark for some proof that you mattered and finding none, you’ll know that you gave it away, in this moment, on this island. Left it in the ground, along with that chest.”_

He knows Flint was right, knows that someday he won’t be able to resist going back for the cache because perhaps then, it will all have been worth it. Giving up the war, giving up Flint, everything. But he knows that’s a lie as well. He lays in bed with her that night, and tries to tell himself that she will always be enough. He looks at her sleeping form and tries to resurrect the emotions that swirled within him when he thought he had lost her. He has what he wanted, but he knows it will never be enough. Every day, he looks at her and loves her, and every night, his mind wanders off to his Flint and hopes that wherever he is, he and Thomas are happy. Even so, he cannot help whisper on the wind, “you’ll always be my captain.”

_All the love that we have shared will not die._

**Author's Note:**

> Well, what did you think? I had to write James and Thomas leaving the plantation and settling off somewhere, I had to. No way would either James or Silver allow either of them to stay in that place. I thought James' section turned out all right, but I'm really unsure about Silver's. At the same time, I couldn't exclude him. I had to write this story about them pining, only realizing what they meant to each other after they were both gone from each other forever. Even though I loved that the series gave everyone a happy ending and cried like a baby all throughout James's and Thomas's reunion, I have been a Silverflint shipper since Day 1 and I had to write something that at the very least settled for me how the characters ended their story. I hope I did that with some other people as well.
> 
> Please leave a comment down below, tell me what you think. I desperately need constructive criticism if I want to write anything else in this fandom, so please say what you like. If you think Silver's section was too cheesy (which I do in places, but at the same time, I couldn't edit it out), tell me.
> 
> And finally, thank you to the cast and crew of Black Sails for a truly unforgettable journey! That was one of the best shows on TV. Now who's up for regular marathons?


End file.
